The Day the Swine Flew
by xxDodo
Summary: "When pigs fly!" The phrase was thrown out randomly, but one should never give an apprentice such ideas. CHAPTER TWO: Halt gets his revenge on Will, and the old Ranger turns out to be quite the prankster. Review!
1. Chapter 1

**Funny little one-shot inspired by a...strange conversation. Takes places sometime during Will's apprenticeship, and the title says it all...**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...yet**

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><p>"Finish your food, Will," Halt ordered.<p>

Will glanced at the lumpy oatmeal that was his breakfast and felt queasy. "I'm not that hungry," he decided, eying the bowl warily as if it's contents were about to slop onto the table.

"There are starving children living on the streets!" Halt pretended to look shocked at Will's selfishness. "They would give anything for food, no matter what it was."

Will blinked in complete innocence, asking in a perfectly confused voice, "Then why don't you give my breakfast to them instead?"

Halt shot his apprentice a glare from across the counter top behind which he was stirring a delicious looking pot of coffee. Will took the hint and picked up his spoon, prodding the substance in what was, from Halt's point of view, an overly-dramatic way.

Shaking his head slightly, Halt headed over to a small table in front of the fire and settled into the chair with his favorite drink to read through some reports. There was silence for some time, while Halt read depressing accounts of deaths and pillaging and Will gloomily forced down his breakfast. Just when Halt thought that the silence had become a little unnerving (or maybe it was these rising death tolls), Will turned and spoke up.

"So, Halt," he started, in a tone the old Ranger knew very well. His apprentice wanted something, and was going to attempt to get it by first complimented Halt on his haircut and shave. Then, he would mention something related to what the boy's wish was. Finally, when Halt didn't show any reaction, he would ask what he wanted and persist until Halt gave in. It had worked with that infernal lute.

"Did you try a new look this morning? Your hair's looking very...strapping today."

_There's the first step_, Halt mentally checked off. He did nothing past shoot a suspicious look at the boy and give a noncommittal grunt. Will plowed ahead.

"I've been working really hard lately, haven't I, Halt?"

_Check number two_, Halt sighed inwardly. His apprentice really shouldn't be so obvious in these things.

Will frowned at Halt's lack of reaction. Deciding to just risk it, he suggested, "Maybe I deserve a day off, don't you think?"

_And there's the ridiculous request, _Halt thought a little smugly as he prepared his most condescending face. The Ranger raised his eyes to meet Will's eager brown one's, and asked mildly, "I guess Alyss would be a little disappointed if you didn't show up."

Will gaped, a blush rising to his cheeks. He was in the awkward half-stage with his friend, Halt saw. The boy knew Alyss was special to him but was absolutely terrified of anything happening.

"W-what are you...," Will stopped as he realized something else. "Does that mean I can go?" His eyes lit up and Halt almost, _almost_, felt guilty as he snorted and returned to his report.

"When pigs fly," he threw out, liking the term.

Will, on the other hand, looked a little confused. What did pigs have to do with this conversation? He asked as much and Halt fixed him with that annoyed, 'what-a-silly-child-you-are' look.

"The day those swine soar through the air is the day I let you out of training for a date with a girl," Halt said patronizingly.

Will scowled, embarrassed by the jibe and angry at Halt's refusal. He opened his mouth to argue, but Halt cut him off with a firm, "No."

Will stopped eating his breakfast, deciding that it wouldn't help Halt's decision, and carried the dishes outside to begin his chores. While he seemed to have dropped the subject, however, a harebrained scheme was working its way into the boy's mind. Well, that is, a swine-brained scheme...

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><p>"So, you want me to...what?" Alyss stared at the excited boy in front of her. Clearly Will had been training way too hard; his head was filled with silly notions about flying pigs. Or maybe that old Ranger Halt had finally cracked and taken Will with him...<p>

"C'mon Alyss, just drop this rock when we step outside, and then we can-" here Will stumbled a little "have..dinner...together."

Alyss smiled a little. "Alright, Will. Just go get Halt. I'm sure the pig's gonna run away soon."

"Of course not, it'll probably sleep through the whole thing!" Still, Will rushed out of the trees and took the porch steps two at a time.

"Halt!" he called, sticking his head around the door. The Ranger in question was watching his coffee brew with barely stifled eagerness. Now he tuned irritably towards the door.

"What?"

"Come quick! It's a flying pig!"

Halt couldn't tell whether or not Will was being funny. Thus, he followed the bouncing boy outside and automatically looked to the sky. There wasn't even a cloud in sight.

"I don't see anything, Will-," Halt started. He just wanted to get back to his coffee.

"Just wait, it was right there!" Will insisted. "Went soaring through the sky!"

"Will," Halt growled. "How many times do we have to talk about lying?" But the words died on his lips as a sudden high-pitched squeal of fright was heard.

Halt looked to the sky once more in something close to fascination. A pink bundle, suddenly clearly distinguishable as a pig, tumbled head over heels through the air. At one point in its "flight," its four legs spread out completely in a mock representation of wings. Then, as soon as it had appeared, the pig sailed over the cabin and out of sight. Only Will knew that Alyss was waiting with a soft landing for the animal and a few treats to calm the poor thing down.

The act seemed to have worked: Halt was rendered speechless.

"Well?" Will asked eagerly. Halt looked at him dumbly. "A pig flew. Can I have tonight off?"

Halt shook his head, but not in denial of Will's request. It was more in disbelief. Either he was going crazy or pigs had started to fly over the past few days and Halt hadn't received the notice. The thought that his apprentice had tricked didn't come to mind just yet; Halt didn't think Will to be that influenced by Gilan.

Will continued to look at his master imploringly, sticking out his lip a little. Instead of telling Will to act his age, Halt waved a hand dismissively in permission and turned back to the cabin, ignoring Will's whoop of joy. _Coffee_, Halt decided. _Coffee will help. _

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><p><strong>Study your pigs for wings, reposition your trampoline just in case, and grab some popcorn for the show! <strong>

**So, that was fun :). I have an idea for a sequel, but only if you all want to read more. Reviews are much appreciated!**

**-Dodo**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ah, Halt finally gets to have his sweet revenge. Took him awhile figuring it out though, eh? Somebody's getting old...**

**This is dedicated to all those who asked for a sequel: **Lovergirlof books**, **ME **(not _me_, but the anonymous reviewer, lol), and **asdasdsdfsdf **(yes, I copied and pasted that). So here it is! Don't hesitate to review again!  
><strong>

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Look at him<em>, Halt thought venomously. _His date goes well, and tricking his own mentor seems decent. _Halt's eyes felt a little teary. _I was like a father to him! No matter; he'll get his soon enough._

The soon-to-be victim stayed oblivious to Halt's dark and evil thoughts, calmly sweeping the floor of the cabin and reminiscing about his time with Alyss two nights ago.

Little did he know that after the impossible incident with the pig Halt had drained three cups of coffee and read several therapy books in order to figure what exactly had happened. And still the old Ranger blamed his apprentice's usual incompetence, not his own growing age, for the fact that it took so long to realize he'd been punked.

No one punked the Halt.

Will hummed a bit as he swept, and still stayed completely unaware to the death glare being sent his way. If he had, Will would be half-way back to Skandia by now. Who knew what awful, disgusting, and no doubt embarrassing (not necessarily in that order) revenge methods Halt had planned? So yes, it was good the boy didn't notice.

Halt then decided it was high time to proceed with the first step of Operation "I'm Not Old And Will Is Gonna Get It." He didn't have the time to think of a shorter name.

First, he seemingly innocently filled a nearby cup with water and sipped a bit of it, so as not to look suspicious. But by the way he was smirking it didn't really help. Then he poured a bit of it into his hands, careful not to let any of it drip on the ground. Using extreme Ranger stealth (and Will's humming) he masked the sound of his footsteps and crept behind his apprentice.

"_AH-CHOO_!" Halt did his best fake sneeze while also splashing the water cupped in his hands onto the back of Will's neck, resulting in the ultimate grossed-out experience. Seriously, who wants to be sneezed on?

Will flipped out, letting out a disgusted shout and a choice word or two. "What the-? Halt! Gross!"

"It's not over yet," Halt breathed mysteriously, swinging his cloak in front of his as a vampire might and exiting the cabin, leaving behind a supposedly germy and now-terrified Will.

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><p>Will was sitting contentedly with Alyss, Halt's strange episode that morning given the reason that Gilan's homemade powder, which he'd coated Halt's special coffee mug with during his last visit, had finally started to take effect.<p>

The two sat on a not-so-high balcony, enjoying some lunch and a chat, as any two acquaintances would. And during such times, one does not expect a highly indignant pig in a dress with obvious make-up on to seemingly drop out of the sky and into the boy's lap. In this case, Will was the lucky victim.

After an embarrassingly high-pitched and strangled scream from Will, the abnormally large piglet bowled the apprentice over, so Will's face looked to sky where Halt's gleefully laughing figure could be seen on the roof. Alyss found the whole episode highly amusing but, out of respect for what little dignity a man being hugged by a pig, controlled her bubbling laughter.

"Why is there a pig on me?" Will then shouted up to his mentor, unable to shove the chubby little animal off of him. Its snuggling may have been cute had Will not been extremely suspicious about the beauty products and jewelry decorating the pig, not to mention how Halt knew what to do with them...

"Flying pigs!" Halt shouted maniacally from the roof. "I have had revenge!"

Will opened his mouth to ask Halt if he'd gone quite insane and to wonder if he or Gilan would be murdered when his mentor found about the "harmless" powder he had been inhaling, then changed his mind as the prank from earlier that day occurred to him. "Then what was with the sneeze?" Will called back, struggling to hold the pig out from him. Alyss's snorts of stifled laughter were all too obvious, and the apprentice was thoroughly embarrassed and confused.

Halt shrugged. "Just for fun." He disappeared, presumably to make sure Pauline hadn't found out that he'd gone through her dresser.

Alyss finally burst out laughing as the still squealing pig let loose a thin stream of a mysterious smelling fluid that Will really did not want to identify.

The moral? Love stinks.

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><p><strong>Surprisingly crackish. I'm perfectly aware of Halt's OOC-ness, but who doesn't like to make the stoical old man crack a bit? I assure you: it's amusing to write. Hopefully to read as well?...<strong>

**Pretty please review! They must feed the plot bunnies for more awesome one-shots! **

**-Dodo**


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